From the Office of Concerned Americans
You, Bonefish, have been chosen to be a “Wingnut”, or to be more precise, a “Vital Cog” so to speak, in the movement to keep America free. We are asking you to join a long line of distinguished and concerned Americans as to the outside forces trying take this nation down. However, before committing to such a historic endeavor, there are a few concerns we would like to emphasize.
First, Bonefish, you can’t be a beaver lover and tree hugger at the same time. In other words, you can’t kill a beaver and expect to have firewood to burn for the winter. If the winter becomes too much to bear and your feet and fingers become numb to the bone, you may want to forget about the beaver and grab your chainsaw and start cutting wood before you are frozen into marble.
Next, Bonefish, you must be able to dissimulate and readjust misinformation concerning earmarks designed to track funding for misappropriations in “high places” of government. However, earmarks can be confusing and well hidden, as in codes, as we all know. It is empirical that you be able to recognize inflated earmarks that will ultimately deplete our hidden liquor stashes and to take food from our babies’ mouths.
This next request could be of affirmative proportions. I say this because it comes as a priori observation. Now, if I am using too many powerful political terms for you, you must be able to make valid independent observations on your own; however, being a member of the often times misunderstood middle class, it is important to be able to speak the language of the delusional political elite. Maybe it would be a good idea to start with Mrs. Bonefish, since she is your right-hand lady. However, it will be important to test her loyalty to you. To test her loyalty, kill two medium size muskrats and stuff them in a coffee can and place them on top of the manifold of her med-engine sports car. After three days, if she accuses you of trying to make her throw up or go blind, you know not to trust her. But, if she says nothing, then this is a true loyal friend and a wife you can trust.
To test your scientific ability, Bonefish, you must collect one five-gallon bucket of raccoon urine and convert it into a tongue-smacking drinkable Kool Aid. The reasons for this request may shock you, but this is important. It shows you have a vast knowledge in self-survival techniques and skills, and also proves you understand “autarky”, which is economic self-sufficiency in case there is a food and water shortage.
Bonefish, you must be efficient in mechanical and electrical “know-how.” I saw you grab a possum once and turn him into a powerful nutcracker. Now that takes some doing. However, it would be an advantage if Mrs. Bomefish turns out to be a skillful partner in such matters when things don’t work out the way you think they should.
Next, Bonefish, you must have not partaken in any ethnic cleansing, such as, ridding ground moles from your property in the past ten years. If you have done such a deed, it should never be allowed to become public knowledge. You know what happens these days in the media justice system …minimumly, it could get embarrassing. The government could even charge you prison time for such an unthinkable act. If this got out, it could start a revolution of global proportions and cause an inflammatory gash that would never heal. So learn to quietly take it on both checks for the team and just say this is an “implausible denial”. As you well know, you must remain politically correct at all times. Your past history in this matter has been, well, I will put it this way, a little disconcerting at best. Nary a time can you slip up because your political enemies will nail your tongue to a hollow tree down on the south fork of Fishing Creek if you mess up on this one.
Bonefish, being chosen as a powerful postulated and vital political force, you must be able to distinguish between “socialism” and “syndicalism.” In doing so, you must continue as a “Talking Head” for our cause. You must continue to pull great solutions out of your “Think-Bowl.” As we have learned, you, Bonefish, are a legion and world renowned in coming up with bizarre and most unusual theories and solutions to seemingly uncorrectable problems. This has been proven time and time again. In going forth, you must be aware of the powerful forces against you. Keep the faith my great patron in this time of great turmoil in our nation. God speed, My Friend!
From: An “Official Contributor” to a better life
