Things that Hallmark cards don't say

THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY

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My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

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Heard your wife left you, how upset you must be.
But don't fret about it... She moved in with me.

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Looking back over the years that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder... "What the hell was I thinking?"

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Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.

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How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?

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I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love
After having met you .. I've changed my mind.

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I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

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As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.

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Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.

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Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky , West Virginia , & New Foundland)

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Happy birthday!

You look great for your age. Almost Lifelike!

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When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

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We have been friends for a very long time .
let's say we stop?

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I'm so miserable without you,
it's almost like you're here.

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Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?

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Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.

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So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side, it's really good pay!