Women and babies

My niece from my wife's side of the family is in the hospital in labor as I type . The parents already know the gender of the child and have the name picked out. This is their first.

My complaint: The phone is ringing constantly imformimg my wife of how many centimeters she's dilated, she just received the saddle block, etc ad nauseum.

I just told the wife, "Excuse me. You have mistaken me for someone who cares. Just inform me of when the baby is actually born. I don't even care how long or what weight. Until then, you may leave me out of this information loop."

The grandmother,my wife and all the old hens are clucking and pecking and driving me crazy.

I think I'll go out to the boat barn and drink beer till this baby arrives in the world.

PS. It didn't help my cause when I told the father-to-be to hold the baby up by it's bottom lip to judge it's weight.

When my wife had our first child, I was fascinated by the little Contraction-O-Meter by her bedside. One thing I learned: Say contraction #112 reads 110 on the Contraction-O-Meter, and contraction #113 reads 90. For the sake of discussion, say that your wife, on the other hand, screams twice as loudly on contraction #113 than she does on contraction #112.

No matter HOW much this flies in the face of all available empirical evidence gathered by the finest medical technology calibrated to the ultimate degree, do NOT say: "Wow, honey, that one shouldn't have hurt as much as the one before."

Well, the hens are cackling and strutting and vocalizing like roosters.

The baby has arrived.

I was only in the boat barn for a three beer tour.

The reason women scream during labor is because they're excited it's almost over. It has nothing to do with a bouncing baby entering this world through such a small orifice. They don't call a baby's birth a miracle for nothing. Easy! Piece of cake! That's why men don't have babies; they're tough and need something much more difficult to do, say, maybe trying not to puke while changing a dirty diaper. lol
I just couldn't help myself.

Your killin me Tyme, lol.

[QUOTE=bassin_bug;374422]The reason women scream during labor is because they're excited it's almost over. It has nothing to do with a bouncing baby entering this world through such a small orifice. They don't call a baby's birth a miracle for nothing. Easy! Piece of cake! That's why men don't have babies; they're tough and need something much more difficult to do, say, maybe trying not to puke while changing a dirty diaper. lol
I just couldn't help myself.[/QUOTE]

My dad (in his 80's) was telling his female cousin(in her 90's) about how the pain in his sciatic nerve from a ruptured disc was the worst pain he had ever felt,she said well you should feel childbirth.He thought a minute and said "well,I probably would have,but nobody ever got me pregnant".

Just so you know,I have helped raise 3 children and changed more than my share of dirty diapers,and any other blessing of parenthood,but none compares to having my 10 year old force me to ride the upside down spinning caged ferris wheel at the county fair with him,I'm too old for that stuff.

When my first child arrived my wife awoke me at 3:00 A.M. Thanksgiving morning about forty years ago. (I have learned babies do not start unless it is the middle of the night). We did not have contraction meters forty years ago. She told me her water broke and she was in labor---- I thought she wet the bed, I took my watch off gave it to her and told her to wake me when the pains were three minutes apart and lasted one minute. I just got back to sleep when she woke me up and said she can’t do it she keeps messing up. I time the contractions and they are one minute apart and lasting for one minute. I call the hospital and they said bring her in. We arrive at the hospital at 4:00A.M. at 11:00 I called her mother to tell her we would not make Thanksgiving dinner because we are at the hospital before I hung up her mother and sister in-law were in the waiting room with me.
At 5:00 P.M. our daughter was born and I was told that there would be NO MORE CHILDREN.

Two years later our son was born on this birth we had to drive 45 mile instead of 7 miles. I dropped my wife off at the emergency room entrance got her checked in moved the car and when I went in the hospital the doctor told me I had a son

Women