El, there are those who believe religion is but a coping mechanism mankind has created to deal with his own mortality. I was raised in a religious household, but have for many years been somewhat of an agnostic. For 20 years I've wrestled with your same questions, and many times worded thoughts similar to yours. I'm very envious of those with an unshakable faith in a higher power. I won't offer any advice, there's been plenty of that in this thread, but maybe there's some solace knowing you aren't the only one. I wish you the best.

Despite any doubts, or whether we're good or bad, the first one we always appeal to for help in a tough spot is the man upstairs.