Countrified expressions

[RoadToad]

The first time I heard someone say "It's raining like a cow peeing on a flat rock," I about fell out laughing. Then the other day a guy I work with said "It's colder 'en a well-digger's <butt> out there." That's a good one too, and it got me to thinking about all the different expressions there are like that, most of which come from country life, and/or life on the farm. I grew up in the northeast, and even though I heard a lot of them while traveling around working at thoroughbred racetracks (which is how I first came to KY), I know there are a lot more out there I haven't heard, so I thought I'd start a thread and ask y'all to share your favorites. I don't want to be the cause of anybody getting banned, so please keep them clean. I'll start off with a couple others I've heard:

"He's working you like a borrowed mule." (When the boss had given me a lot to do that day)

"That's uglier than a mud fence."

"Useless a teats on a boar hog."

[mhall]

That boy is tougher than a Waffle House steak.

I was madder than a wet hen.

He ain't worth two dead fly's

That was a real Frog Strangler

It's hotter than a two dollar pistol.

I'm to poor to pay attention.

Never trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

[Devils Horse]

He was shakin like a hooker in church

Don't get bowed up now

Run that flag up the pole and see who salutes

That dog don't hunt

She'll slap you bald headed

Even a blind hog finds a nut every now and then

He couldn't pour pee out of boot with the directions on the heel

Like a duck on a June bug

He was shakin like a dog passin 'simmon seeds

She'd make a freight train take a dirt road

She could push a car uphill with a rope

[bassin_bug]

You ain't driving my truck, Boy; I done spent more money on it than I did on your education.

Shut your mouth! What's wrong with you anyway?

Shut the door! You weren't raised in a barn.

It's raining like a cow peeing on a pole bridge.

I'll slap you into the middle of next week.

He's meaner than a red headed step-child.

We may be poor but we're proud.

I told you to stop running the chickens; now go wash your feet.

Boy, I brought you into this world and I can take you out of it.

Stop picking your nose; a booger will bite your finger off.

Go get me a switch, I'm gonna' beat the devil out of you.

Nah, you can't fool all the people all the time, but you can fool enough of them to rule a big country.

She's so ugly she needs a paper bag over her head.

Good job, Brownie! (I just couldn't resist).

[Grumpy]

Her mouth runs faster than a Whipperwills ass in Blueberry time.

[Tyme2fish]

That gal fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.

[DJD]

Dad use to say...Boy, I'll cloud up and rain all over you! Of course it was when I was being good.

[ryan_ekubass]

i am as happy as a tornado in a trailer park.

nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rockin chairs.

busy as a one armed paper hanger

busy as a cat covering up crap

bout as fun as watching grass grow or paint dry...

[the_donger]

As busy as a one-legged man in a butt kicking contest.

Her daddy must have beat her with the ugly stick.

Does a fat dog fart when you kick it? (Intended to confirm an obvious yes)

Smell ya later.

[offdtop]

lol

Handier than pockets on a shirt.

Shining like a diamond in a goats butt.

Your about as bright as a blown bulb.

Drop you like a toilet lid.

Bend over and kiss your butt goodbye.

You drive like a one eyed taxi cab driver.

Is you just plain stupid boy?

How am I going to get there, pee in my shoe and float?

I'm as smart as a tree full of owls.

[DJD]

lol

Handier than pockets on a shirt.

Shining like a diamond in a goats butt.

Your about as bright as a blown bulb.

Drop you like a toilet lid.

Bend over and kiss your butt goodbye.

You drive like a one eyed taxi cab driver.

Is you just plain stupid boy?

How am I going to get there, pee in my shoe and float?

I'm as smart as a tree full of owls.

LOL! Drop you like a toilet lid! That's funny right there.

[mhall]

Cobra you just got this one zapped, lol. Dude, read the help Dave post, lol.