Hey, he ought just substitute the yellow pages. If he burns the yellow pages, he gets all the churches at once.

ON NO! If he burns the yellow pages, he might offend Dominoes Pizza, Walmart, the 3rd Street Car Wash, and the Betty Boop Beauty shop.
And they might all threaten price increase consequences. Eeeee gads!

Hey, if he has a fire place and burns oak logs, will te OAKS get offended?